A Faith Called into Question

Where is your faith?

I heard this question soon after I received a breast cancer diagnosis. Soon, as in, within minutes. The vision that followed was like a little seed that was immediately implanted in my imagination with this question and grew as I explored it.

I was standing in a court room, with the Accuser to my left asking the Judge where was my faith? I stood with my Mediator. As the question entered my spirit, I reached into my loins with both hands, scooping out substance.

I was watching more than partaking in this vision.

I brought forth heaps… of faith. And with such conviction and force, I presented this before the Judge, saying with tears “I have been faithful to You”. It came out of me with no words but as heavenly communication.

I have been faithful….

My mind was almost offended by the boldness that I presented this with. How could I speak to God this way? How could I say that I had been faithful? Wasn’t I supposed to feel unworthy or repent, again, of everything in my life and the lives of generations before me, so as to make sure I wasn’t being punished. Shouldn’t I feel shame and embarrassment about all the bad choices from my past that had influenced this moment? But my spirit was too strong.

The Spirit within me covered more space than my ego.

My faith had come into question and the Spirit answered for me. I have been faithful to You my Lord! As these words flowed out of me, a carousal of memories followed. Memories of acts of faith, both little and big. I remembered the social media posts that I had been so strongly led to start in January. This was so outside of my comfort zone and was only done because of how strongly I felt led. 

I thought about the past year of prophesying over a land and house that the Lord had led my family and I to. We were so sure this would be our home. Then someone else bought it.

I thought about little words and actions that I had only done because the Spirit had bid me to. Times when I had raised my hands in praise. Times, when in faith, I had withheld that extra help, because it was probably more about my glory than God’s.

All these little moments flashed in one second, and I knew.

I knew, well I thought maybe I knew, maybe all those things that I had been part of that didn’t work out the way I thought they would, were really exercises for my faith. All those things were really God building a case for me that would soon be presented in His court.

As I presented my faith, heaped in my hands, I began to wonder about what it would look like to God? What would faith look like as a being?

Then, Faith was called into the courtroom.

I expected to see a beautiful female being, pure and flowing. To my surprise, I saw a solider with no face. I saw a captain with no face that stepped up to the Judge, saying “We are ready. We are ready. We are ready”. As the being proclaimed this, an army presented and multiplied behind. The being pound a rod into the ground as it proclaimed that timing was now, my faith, Faith, was ready.

All those little faith-filled acts had prepared me for this, for this next chapter with cancer. Now, my faith was called into action. Now my life would depend on the strength of my faith and knowing that my God is faithful to me.   

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